02AUG17> The Walls Caved In On Me

After a grueling day of travel pre-cursed by leaving behind my loved ones yesterday, I finally arrived back in my barracks room at 0345. I slept…kinda…for an hour or so, got up and made first formation. My day was productive as things are drawing near to our departure. Went to dinner with my fellow officers  at 1800 and came home to watch some Big Bang Theory. Called home. And finally, exhausted, I went to bed. Key detail: a couple weeks ago my battle buddy left on advance party, so I now have a large room to myself. Relaxing and peaceful not having someone else’s smelly shoes in the room. But were he here with me, tonight would not have happened.

However, not having my battle with me allowed cause an opening for my internal man to experience havoc. I still am unsure of all the factors that caused what I experienced, but I don’t recall experiencing this on my first deployment. My mind hasn’t been totally clear all day, so when I went to go horizontal (lie down), I suddenly began to feel the room spin. Not bad, but enough. Then the walls started closing in on me, and I felt it very difficult to breathe, as if the room had no air. So, considering my traveling the day before, lack of sleep, poor nutrition, water intake, etc, it stands to reason this might happen. However, couple this now with the heaviness of leaving my wife, my daughter and my grandson and it was more than I could bear while in this room.

I found myself sitting up, my hands on my knees, small light on, Chris Tomlin playing, and praying against my thoughts that were attacking me. The loneliness I felt inside this room overwhelmed me, invaded my innermost being and left me void. Empty.

I’m better now as I donned my PT gear and ran into the darkness west of my building. To escape the loneliness, I ran into more desolation, but it was freeing. No lights, no constraints, no hindrances. It was in the night, on a short run, the emotions hit again. Remembering the airport parking garage holding my grandson, who KNEW something was up, refusing to let go of me, calling out “papa” over and over. Hugging my daughter, unable to express the pride I have in her maturity in being a mommy.

Holding my wife for the second go-around, knowing that it is I who has created this hardship for her, knowing full well that I am the cause of her direct pain, brought me to my knees. I will never doubt the strength that is in my wife, the independence, the ability to ENDURE life. True, it was a mutual decision, but in the end I left her and wont again see her for ten months. That’s a lot to deal with as any military spouse knows.

Now, after clearing my head, I decided to share the effects a deployment. At times it is difficult to put into words what cannot be seen. Not just emotions, but thoughts, attitudes, work stressors all remain invisible to outsiders. I share these things with you, my little closed group of special loved ones, because you will let me.