Sunday, November 5th, 2017. Please keep my wife and daughter in your thoughts. Debbie is sick with the flu (?) and my daughter is looking at a big repair bill since I cant help.
A memory came back
to haunt me this week. Maybe not a memory as much as an impression since what
arose within me this week came from my time here during my last deployment ten
years ago. One of the consequences, if you will, of a deployment is the state
of perpetual of tiredness. This is the
remembrance that dawned on me.
I don’t mean being sleepy. This state of tiredness has
nothing to do with being tired per se. For instance, pulling the night watch
eliminates sleep from the daily diet of bodily needs, producing sleepiness.
This is normal and expected, and after a day of recovery, all is well. Night
watch isn’t all that bad either since the building becomes a ghost town and no
one makes contact with you. The following day as a day off allows for an
additional respite from human contact as well. Of course, I don’t get to pull
night duty.
I’m also not referring to the tired feelings of having just
completed a marathon. Nope, I know that feeling all too well, and while a day
or two recovery will inevitably provide a return to full-duty status, the
moments after the marathon itself are exhausting. Yet, still the tired feelings
are not what I’m describing.
Then quite possibly the argument comes by way of being tired
emotionally. Strong argument since a deployment does wreak havoc with emotional
well-being thanks to the distance from family members from whom we all gain
strength. Yet this emotional state of tiredness, as strong an argument as it is,
still only adds to the principle to which I am referring: a perpetual state of drained exhaustion.
Personally, I feel it predominantly in my eyes. My eye
sockets have this heaviness and puffiness to them that no amount of caffeinated
beverages can compensate. Even after a rock-solid 7 hours of blissful sleep, I
arrive at my desk on a relatively slow admin day and the exercise in futility
of keeping my eyelids above half-mast drains me. It requires herculean effort
to maintain constant vigil, let alone any resemblance of situational awareness. Perhaps the events of October exposed this state of being?
October beat me down hard. 90% of my difficulties came from
interpersonal conflicts and confrontations, by the numbers. In comparison, measuring difficulties using a standards of measurement of
significant emotional experiences, a few events that took place this month shook me up pretty well. Maybe the events that I experienced during this month only seemed that dramatic
to me and were in fact minor occasions of discomfort to others, but they happened to me.
Two major disappointments happened to me in October. The first began in September when I discovered I could participate in the Marine
Corps Marathon Forward, allowing me to run the race at a post way up north here in Iraq. I
checked with my travel agent guy here in the unit, who promised me he could get
me to the post when the time came. I specified I could only go over three days.
A week before the race, he informed me I would be gone for an indiscriminant
time, possibly up to a week. I had to back out. Still haven’t completed the
run.
The disappointment of not being able to participate in the
MCM Forward resulted in the second emotional event of the month: hard-hit
illness. I became so upset with not being able to attend the event, that I went for a long
run that night. I left right after work when the parts-per-million dust and
smoke particles were at their upmost for the end of the day. For a half marathon
equivalent, I ran this tiny little post and by the time I wrapped it up, my gun
hip was sending sharp pains into me and I could not breathe to save myself. The
amount of garbage I inhaled caused a serious illness that last two weeks with a trip to the medical center and switched to a shoulder harness to heel my hip muscles. Haven't run for the last two weeks.
I have had other significant events happen that related
directly to my job. For days I had visions of appearing before a Senate
Hearing. I cannot begin to describe them here, but it has been a challenging
month all things considered. My morale dropped and the frequent contact I have
with my wife plus the weekend visits with my daughter and grandson kept me
going. And the care packages filled with jerky!!!! Holy cow(literal and figurative use) WIFE!! You made the most amazing cow jerky and I have savored every ounce.
I stayed silent otherwise for the month. No videos posted, no blog postings. Only a few text messages back home. I withdrew, I admit, which is a signal that all is not well
for this introvert. For the month of November I am determined to focus my energies on positives. My intent is to find one important item during the course of each day to be thankful for and boast about it. Today I am thankful for having the opportunity to sleep in.
