Deja Vu'

Sunday, November 5th, 2017. Please keep my wife and daughter in your thoughts. Debbie is sick with the flu (?) and my daughter is looking at a big repair bill since I cant help.

A memory came back to haunt me this week. Maybe not a memory as much as an impression since what arose within me this week came from my time here during my last deployment ten years ago. One of the consequences, if you will, of a deployment is the state of perpetual of tiredness.  This is the remembrance that dawned on me.

I don’t mean being sleepy. This state of tiredness has nothing to do with being tired per se. For instance, pulling the night watch eliminates sleep from the daily diet of bodily needs, producing sleepiness. This is normal and expected, and after a day of recovery, all is well. Night watch isn’t all that bad either since the building becomes a ghost town and no one makes contact with you. The following day as a day off allows for an additional respite from human contact as well. Of course, I don’t get to pull night duty.

I’m also not referring to the tired feelings of having just completed a marathon. Nope, I know that feeling all too well, and while a day or two recovery will inevitably provide a return to full-duty status, the moments after the marathon itself are exhausting. Yet, still the tired feelings are not what I’m describing.

Then quite possibly the argument comes by way of being tired emotionally. Strong argument since a deployment does wreak havoc with emotional well-being thanks to the distance from family members from whom we all gain strength. Yet this emotional state of tiredness, as strong an argument as it is, still only adds to the principle to which I am referring: a perpetual state of drained exhaustion.

Personally, I feel it predominantly in my eyes. My eye sockets have this heaviness and puffiness to them that no amount of caffeinated beverages can compensate. Even after a rock-solid 7 hours of blissful sleep, I arrive at my desk on a relatively slow admin day and the exercise in futility of keeping my eyelids above half-mast drains me. It requires herculean effort to maintain constant vigil, let alone any resemblance of situational awareness. Perhaps the events of October exposed this state of being?

October beat me down hard. 90% of my difficulties came from interpersonal conflicts and confrontations, by the numbers. In comparison, measuring difficulties using a standards of measurement of significant emotional experiences, a few events that took place this month shook me up pretty well. Maybe the events that I experienced during this month only seemed that dramatic to me and were in fact minor occasions of discomfort to others, but they happened to me.

Two major disappointments happened to me in October. The first began in September when I discovered I could participate in the Marine Corps Marathon Forward, allowing me to run the race at a post way up north here in Iraq. I checked with my travel agent guy here in the unit, who promised me he could get me to the post when the time came. I specified I could only go over three days. A week before the race, he informed me I would be gone for an indiscriminant time, possibly up to a week. I had to back out. Still haven’t completed the run.

The disappointment of not being able to participate in the MCM Forward resulted in the second emotional event of the month: hard-hit illness. I became so upset with not being able to attend the event, that I went for a long run that night. I left right after work when the parts-per-million dust and smoke particles were at their upmost for the end of the day. For a half marathon equivalent, I ran this tiny little post and by the time I wrapped it up, my gun hip was sending sharp pains into me and I could not breathe to save myself. The amount of garbage I inhaled caused a serious illness that last two weeks with a trip to the medical center and switched to a shoulder harness to heel my hip muscles. Haven't run for the last two weeks.  

I have had other significant events happen that related directly to my job. For days I had visions of appearing before a Senate Hearing. I cannot begin to describe them here, but it has been a challenging month all things considered. My morale dropped and the frequent contact I have with my wife plus the weekend visits with my daughter and grandson kept me going. And the care packages filled with jerky!!!! Holy cow(literal and figurative use) WIFE!! You made the most amazing cow jerky and I have savored every ounce. 

I stayed silent otherwise for the month. No videos posted, no blog postings. Only a few text messages back home. I withdrew, I admit, which is a signal that all is not well for this introvert. For the month of November I am determined to focus my energies on positives. My intent is to find one important item during the course of each day to be thankful for and boast about it. Today I am thankful for having the opportunity to sleep in.