Stretched, but Not Broken

 

When I was a kid I recall a toy by the name of Stretch Armstrong. If I’m not mistaken, it was a predecessor to all the other stretch action figures that arrived on market shortly after for guys like Hulk Hogan of wrestling fame. Stretch Armstrong was an actions figure made of rubber. You could grab him by his arms or legs and pull and he would stretch as far as little boy arms could reach, and yet he wouldn’t break. His head, made of hard plastic, remained in place and would not move. And he has become the physical manifestation of my life over the last two months.

Having deployed before, I knew full-well going into the holiday season things would be difficult in this place, being so far from home and missing so many pivotal events going on back home. Missing birthdays, missing Thanksgiving, missing Christmas, missing New Year. Missing spending my birthday with family. Those were all on the radar, I thought I was prepared for them, and entered the timeframe of Thanksgiving through the week after my birthday thinking falsely I was ready.

What I could not prepare myself for was the challenges I have encountered as a leader, and at this particular point in my writing, I want to ensure you do not receive a sense of sorrow, regret, self-pity, or anything that would take away from the growth I have gleaned from the experiences over the last two months, possibly even going back to August. For what has taken place here in my life finds its origins dating back to our first days on ground. I’ll save those stories for the campfire back home.

Here I sit with the end of January fast approaching and my last three months of this deployment sneaking up around the corner, and I daydream of a boy’s childhood toy, Stretch Armstrong. Let the story begin.

This unit has at the helm a commander. He is high in rank, one step away from a one-star. Next in line is a guy one rank below him as the deputy, and remains one the most balanced leaders I have met in my career. Below and/or next to the deputy are three gold-leaf field grade leaders that were informed back in July that they would be running the company. I happen to be one of those field grade, gold-leaf, middle management, go-between, conduit, decision maker and approval seeker leaders.

One of the fellows works in an ops capacity. He takes care of the unit on a day-by-day basis. Good guy too. But he has no responsibility outside the unit itself. The other two, of which I am one, have great influence outside the unit. Whereas my responsibilities directly influence Iraqi Senior Officers, his reaches to higher levels of coalition forces departments. Together, we could have made an incredible difference immeasurable. Could have.

This counterpart of mine gabbed ahold of one of my arms and began pulling back in August, much to my disappointment, and has yet to let go. He has allowed me on several occasions to think he was going to let go, but not only did he not let go, he tried to tie my arm into a knot. This one in particular has been the biggest disappointment of the deployment. Bitterness set in rather quickly, early on, but this has become one the success stories for me personally.

When I finally acknowledged the truth of what was actually going on between us, I at first denied it, hid from it, and attempted to run from it. That tactic didn’t work. What did work was coming to the realization that each confrontation required a standing against, but with a heart of forgiveness as well. Since November I have been practicing the fine art of confronting, challenging, yet with a heart of not holding onto a grudge in the process. It worked. I pulled my arm back to its normal state.

As for the other three appendages? This is pretty cool how it worked out, for I happen to have three guys working directly for me, each of whom have taken up on of the other extensions and without malice and whether knowing it or not have attempted to pull apart my body and mind and heart. Without addressing each in their own respective rights, I will say each has been on the receiving end my corrective actions, and while they have all kept me up at night, it is my own gain that I get from them I appreciate the most. I have had to confront within me some fears I didn’t want to admit through their personalities as subordinates to my position.

Going full circle to my beginning, the last two months put me in a serious rut. I’ve already explained the nature of a deployment during the holiday season. The compensating factor for most deployments generally and commonly can be found within the ranks and peers of the unit within which one serves. This year, this deployment, I found none that provided the depth and breadth of brotherhood for which I yearned daily. The absence and void could not be replaced. Things became so low for me I lost all desire to RUN.

But coming through the struggle now as the end of the month draws near, I have in my mind Psalm 103:2-5 Bless the Lord, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits: ³ Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases, ⁴ Who redeems your life from destruction, Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies, ⁵ Who satisfies your mouth with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

My level of communication on social media dwindled to only the rare exception, such as New Year's eve etc. I have been in regular contact with Debbie over facetime, and while she sees much of the goings on, I keep things soft so she can have solid input and discussion with me to keep my head level. It's been equally hard for her as well, but thank you to Tony and his family and Sara and Matt for constantly checking on her and my daughter to make sure they are doing okay. While things are hard here, when things go bad back home its a literal tragedy for me here. Its a relief to know you have my back during this time.

I've enjoyed the times with my daughter and grandson, but the big heartache came on Christmas when I had technical difficulties watching them open presents. That one hurt, until we got facetime running on daughter's phone. Videos fell away. Pictures fell away. The blog fell away. My routine became going to work and coming home to go to bed. I think a follow-on writing should address takers vs givers. Until then, I have some studying to do. Thank you for listening. I'm ready to come home.